From Grief, Depression, or Illness to Positivity & Healing

March 9, 2009

My thoughts, my answers

Filed under: My Rambling Thoughts....=D — by Sue @ 12:43 pm

I wrote this October 15, 2008 in my notes section on Facebook – so many people were asking me or asking others about me, I thought I’d share how I really was. Sometimes it helps to write out how you’re feeling, cause you can’t always tell people face to face, or at least vocally how you’re feeling. I know I always feel better when I write things out……it helps.

OK, so everyone keeps asking how I’m doing and I love you all for it. Here are my honest thoughts: I don’t know what to say to people half the time. It’s like I want to talk about it but I don’t cause it hurts, but I don’t want a person not asking me in case I feel like talking about it but I don’t want a person feeling like they have to walk on egg shells around me, does that make sense?

I have barely had a good day this last 5 weeks, but there are some days that I feel better than others and then when I do I get upset because I think that I have no right to be feeling ok, then I get mad at myself because I know it’s not my fault for what happened, it’s like my mind’s a big circle of thoughts and I never know what to do with them. So if I seem upset, I am, but don’t shy away, if I don’t mention it, then perhaps I’m having one of those better days than others, OR I’m just upset enough again I don’t want anyone to know what I’m feeling. I’m not trying to shut anybody out, all of my friends and family – you guys are great and I love you all, and I thank you for being patient with me while I get through this grief.

Did you know that the only things I have to remind me of my baby was my first and only ultrasound pics at 11 weeks and my first “belly” shot that I took, which I thought was going to be the first of many. People laughed at me because I was barely even showing but I could tell the difference in buttoning up my shorts – they were tight and I was actually ecstatic lol.

Anyways, it’s little things like that that I will hang on to. About 10 days before I lost the baby (it was the closing day of the Ex, so whatever day that was), I had bought a nice notebook there because I was going to start my “baby diary”. I was collecting things, like the ultrasound pic, my belly pic, a card that I’d gotten from one of my oldest and dearest friends, who had just had a baby of her own, that she hoped our kids would be as good friends as we were – (AND BRANDIE, I KNOW THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT FRIENDS), tags from the first couple of maternity items I’d bought (yeah I know, I’m a sentimental sap, anyone that knows me well enough knows this already). But I never got around to putting the info into the journal.

Well I did on Oct 8th – 4 weeks after I lost the baby – I put the blood test results confirming I was pregnant, everything I mentioned above, plus all the test results I’d had had up to that point as I was to have my first OBGYN appt Oct 9th so I had copies of everything to bring to them, needless to say they didn’t get them so I’m keeping them. It’s now my “getting through this” journal becuase I’ve been writing poems in it. I haven’t written poems since I was in highschool but for some reasons all these words are coming to me now, and I need SOMEWHERE to put them. My first poem, the one that I posted in the group I created “losing a baby” was written as I finished putting the last item into my journal.

Sorry guys, didn’t mean to “ramble” but there’s my “how am I” answer. I have good days, I have bad days. But life is a roller coaster – somedays up, somedays down but forever going.

Take care,
Sue

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1 Comment »

  1. This is a very good and informative post. I look forward to see more.

    Comment by HotWomen — March 27, 2009 @ 5:23 am |Reply


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