From Grief, Depression, or Illness to Positivity & Healing

June 10, 2011

Death is nothing at all……….

Filed under: Grief Info — by Sue @ 12:10 pm

I know I don’t blog on here a lot anymore but as it’s 4 years today that I lost my mum, I felt I needed to. My feelings and emotions automatically take me back to that day and I wonder if and when it’ll get easier. A good friend was kind enough to post this on my facebook wall of a favorite pic of my mum and it’s what’s going to get me through year after year – I wanted to share and hope it helps you too somehow.

Death is nothing at all…
I have only slipped away to the next room…
I am I and you are you…
Whatever we were to each, that we are still.

Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak it to me in the same way you always used.
Put no difference into your tone,
Wear no false air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect, without the ghost of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolutely unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident.

I am but waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner.
All is well.

If anyone wants to join my facebook grief page, please visit http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_17348799816&ap=1

or

http://www.facebook.com/pages/From-Grieving-to-Healing-Positivity/59774080875

You can also find me on twitter – @ramblin_sue and my other blog site http://www.grumpyramblings.wordpress.com

Take care,
Sue

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June 9, 2010

Three years ago……

Three years ago to date, I arrived in Scotland around 8am their time (3am EST) to travel from Glasgow to Kirkcaldy. I got off the flight not knowing yet if my mum had passed away since my flight took off from Toronto the night before. Once I got through Customs and saw my sister and brother-in-law I found out that my mum was somehow still alive and hanging on.

She had slipped into a coma the previous Wednesday night after losing her battle with para influenza secondary to leukemia. The doctors couldn’t figure out how she was still hanging on on Saturday, but I like to believe it’s because my sister had told her I was on my way back to say goodbye.

I still remember, like it was yesterday, leaving the previous Sunday after a quick visit to see them, and her ending up in the hospital that she reassured me she’d be seeing me in October and to go back home. Needless to say, it’s one of the things I regret in my life. I wish I’d stayed.

But I didn’t, so I learned to deal with it these last 3 years.

I arrived at the hospital around noon time and I couldn’t believe the change in my mum in just a week, she was jaundice, puffed up and making “the breathing sound” that you knew her last breath could be at any minute….if anybody has lost anyone, you’ll know what I mean by this.

I’m fighting back tears as I’m writing this, but if you know me, you know I do better getting my feelings written down, and if you’ve been through it, then know you’re not alone.

My mum somehow managed to hang on until 1:47am Sunday June 10th (8:47pm June 9th in Canada). She was surrounded by myself, my dad, my brother, sister, brother-in-law, her sister and her sister-in-law. I was lucky enough to be holding her hand as she passed away.

The one thing I will remember about that afternoon is the fact that my dad had said she’d been in the coma and hadn’t opened her eyes since Wednesday, no matter what stimulus was given to her, yet when the nurse came in with a stick to wet her mouth, I was holding her hand, and for about 20 seconds she opened them. She didn’t focus, she didn’t speak, but to me, it was her way of saying goodbye to me, that she knew I was there.

My dad lost his best friend that day, they did everything together. It took him a long time to get past her death and move on. I’m so grateful that he met Joyce, his fiance now, at Maggie’s Centre, which is a Centre in Kirkcaldy for people who are going through cancer or family members that are dealing with a loved one with cancer. Joyce lost her husband the previous year, so knew what he was going through.

I remember my mum fondly, I still “speak” to her in my mind, but it’s days like today that’s extremely hard. I still expect the phone to ring some nights and it be her calling up for a chat. Sometimes when I’m going through old boxes or books she’s given me, I’ll see a little note with a quirp that she wrote, and it brings it all back.

I remember June 9/10, 2007 as if it were yesterday. I don’t know if it will ever get easier, but we get through it. My favorite grief quote has and always will be “Grief is something so big you can’t climb over, or get under, but somehow, you will get through it”.

June 23, 2009

If we believe…..

Filed under: Grief Info — by Sue @ 12:26 pm

If we believe that suffering is as much a part of our lives as joy, and that we can grow, even from difficult experiences, then we will have the courage to live through the emotions and pain that are associated with suffering. If we are convinced that, down the road, we will recover from our pain, perhaps having grown a bit, then it will be easier to accept the difficult stages along the way. (pg 139)

You have to formulate new core beliefs that can help, such as “It is in the nature of things to turn back to life and live it to the fullest after a time of mourning” or “Grieving means a lot of hard inner work from which I will emerge healed in the end”.

You can also formulate personal affirmations that will promote healing:

– It’s ok and good to feel my emotions
– I have the courage to face my feelings.
– I have the strenght to live through this experience
– I have mastered other difficult situations in my life, and I will get through this one too.
– Even if they seem strange, I know my feelings are normal in people who grieve
– I will give myself the time I need
– I will not be ashamed for being envious of mothers and babies (for those people who have lost a child)
– I will grow from this experience

(pg 140)

June 19, 2009

I will never forget

Filed under: Grief Info — by Sue @ 1:13 pm

Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow; but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them (Grief Never Kills – George Vallant)

Give yourself time and permission to grieve. You do not evade the expression of your grief. Purposely plan 15 minutes each day, to sit in quiet meditation and think on the one who has died. If you feel sad at the loss and the pain, allow yourself to feel the sadness and the pain. If you want to express your gratitude and love, do that. If you feel cheated and angry, acknowledge that. When the time has expired, stand up, breathe in readiness for the next task and proceed. This time of planned and scheduled grieving also contributes to your growing and sense of regathered self and a recovery of security and control (Page 60)

June 18, 2009

The Salmon vs. Grief

Filed under: Grief Info — by Sue @ 1:38 pm

A hundred times
they lunge and strike
against the hurdles of a rock;
though hammering water
beats them back,
still their desire does not break.
Tehy coil & whip & kick,
tensile for their truth’s
sake; give to the miracle
of their treadmill leaping
the illusion of the natural………..

Sometimes the human being when dealing with the stresses of life stays downstream and drifts onward into the ocean. At other times, the human being can be like the salmon. As if responding to some greater call of nature, he will turn upstream and, negotiating a course through stressful events and difficult odds, will continue to leap. Drawn toward a destination upstream, the human being there fulfills one part of destiny and then also begins another.

Our task is to make something of our traumas and losses, and our reactions to them. We can drift on in an impaired existance or, like the salmon, we can continue to respond to that which is within us and beyond us, and make the leap, and find it worth the effort as we take our part in the larger scheme of things.

(Life After Loss – Getting Over Grief – Getting on with Life: [Francis MacNab])

June 9, 2009

It takes time………

Filed under: Grief Info — by Sue @ 12:47 pm

THIS IS A PARAGRAPH OR TWO OUT OF ONE OF THE GRIEF BOOKS I READ AFTER LOSING MY MUM. I FOUND MYSELF GOING TO BACK TO IT AFTER LOSING MY BABY – WE ALL NEED REMINDERS THAT IT’S OK TO GRIEVE.

Because it’s an appropriate response to loss, grief is not a bad word! Neither is it a sign of weakness, nor does it represent a lack of religious faith. Grief isn’t something to avoid at all costs and “get over” as quickly as possible. It isn’t better to feel joy than to feel grief. It is certainly more fun to feel joy – but it isn’t better. If something good is happening, it is appropriate to be joyful. If you have experienced loss, it is equally appropriate to be sad.

If you have had a major loss, you already know that well meaning friends will reward you if you can keep from crying in public. You will be told how strong you are and how “well” you are doing. The problem is, not crying is an inappropriate behaviour that can put you at great risk of physical and emotional illness. Anyone who wants you to hold your grief in check is seeking their own comfort – not yours.

To heal properly, you must express your sadness freely and for as long as it takes to release it. Many polls and studies have asked the public: “How long should it take to mourn the death of a loved one?” – The most common answer is between 48 hours – 2 weeks. In truth, we have barely started grieving in that length of time. Research by Dr. Glen Davidson, a pioneer in analyzing the bereavement process, revealed it takes almost 2 years, at least, to begin returning to a normal life after a major loss.

DIETS, Bo. Life After Loss – 4th Edition – 2004;page 6

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