From Grief, Depression, or Illness to Positivity & Healing

June 9, 2010

Three years ago……

Three years ago to date, I arrived in Scotland around 8am their time (3am EST) to travel from Glasgow to Kirkcaldy. I got off the flight not knowing yet if my mum had passed away since my flight took off from Toronto the night before. Once I got through Customs and saw my sister and brother-in-law I found out that my mum was somehow still alive and hanging on.

She had slipped into a coma the previous Wednesday night after losing her battle with para influenza secondary to leukemia. The doctors couldn’t figure out how she was still hanging on on Saturday, but I like to believe it’s because my sister had told her I was on my way back to say goodbye.

I still remember, like it was yesterday, leaving the previous Sunday after a quick visit to see them, and her ending up in the hospital that she reassured me she’d be seeing me in October and to go back home. Needless to say, it’s one of the things I regret in my life. I wish I’d stayed.

But I didn’t, so I learned to deal with it these last 3 years.

I arrived at the hospital around noon time and I couldn’t believe the change in my mum in just a week, she was jaundice, puffed up and making “the breathing sound” that you knew her last breath could be at any minute….if anybody has lost anyone, you’ll know what I mean by this.

I’m fighting back tears as I’m writing this, but if you know me, you know I do better getting my feelings written down, and if you’ve been through it, then know you’re not alone.

My mum somehow managed to hang on until 1:47am Sunday June 10th (8:47pm June 9th in Canada). She was surrounded by myself, my dad, my brother, sister, brother-in-law, her sister and her sister-in-law. I was lucky enough to be holding her hand as she passed away.

The one thing I will remember about that afternoon is the fact that my dad had said she’d been in the coma and hadn’t opened her eyes since Wednesday, no matter what stimulus was given to her, yet when the nurse came in with a stick to wet her mouth, I was holding her hand, and for about 20 seconds she opened them. She didn’t focus, she didn’t speak, but to me, it was her way of saying goodbye to me, that she knew I was there.

My dad lost his best friend that day, they did everything together. It took him a long time to get past her death and move on. I’m so grateful that he met Joyce, his fiance now, at Maggie’s Centre, which is a Centre in Kirkcaldy for people who are going through cancer or family members that are dealing with a loved one with cancer. Joyce lost her husband the previous year, so knew what he was going through.

I remember my mum fondly, I still “speak” to her in my mind, but it’s days like today that’s extremely hard. I still expect the phone to ring some nights and it be her calling up for a chat. Sometimes when I’m going through old boxes or books she’s given me, I’ll see a little note with a quirp that she wrote, and it brings it all back.

I remember June 9/10, 2007 as if it were yesterday. I don’t know if it will ever get easier, but we get through it. My favorite grief quote has and always will be “Grief is something so big you can’t climb over, or get under, but somehow, you will get through it”.

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April 18, 2010

My life as a celiac

Filed under: My Rambling Thoughts....=D — by Sue @ 5:30 pm

I know this blog started out about grief, depression and the healing process, but to me, through healing, I’m able to expand to other aspects of my life, like the fact that I have celiac disease.

Celiac disease is a digestive disease that damages the small intestine and interferes with absorption of nutrients from food. It is something you’re born with. People who have Celiac disease cannot tolerate gluten, a protein in wheat, rye, and barley. Gluten is found mainly in foods but may also be found in everyday products such as medicines, vitamins, and lip balms. Some of the signs, and this list is just a small amount of symptoms, include: fatigue, skin rash, irritable bowel syndrome, infertility, joint pain, scoliosis, anemia, pale sores, gas, weight loss, migraines, abdominal pain, depression, and vitamin B12 deficiency.

Interestingly enough, 1 in 133 people have Celiac disease, however, 97% of those people don’t even know they have it. It’s something you can live with your entire life and not even know about it. For me, it was a trauma to my body that set it in motion.

Now I’ll share a little bit about how I found out I had celiac. I’ve always had a wide range of symptoms and my doctor never pin pointed it to one specific thing. I’ve had migraines since I was a child, I’ve always been anemic for no known reason and I have irritable bowel syndrome, extreme exhaustion, bloating, to name just a few of the things. However I lost a baby in September 2008 and I’d say about February or March 2009 I started getting really sick. It got to the point where if I had to go somewhere, I needed to make sure I knew where the bathroom was as soon as I got there, and I didn’t even want to eat at all, because I knew what was to come.

After reading up on some of the signs and symptoms of various gastro related problems, I went to my doctor and told him I wanted to be tested for celiac disease. Now I’ve worked in a gastroenterology clinic before so knew a bit more about stuff than if I hadn’t so when I told my doctor I wanted to be tested, he knew I wasn’t just going in randomly wanting to be tested for every disease under the sun. The blood test results came back borderline and a few weeks later I had a biopsy done of my intestine.

After the the biopsy was done, I was able to go on a gluten free diet to try it out. By the time I went to my doctor for the results about 5 weeks later, I had never felt better! My always swollen stomach was once again flat. I had energy, and I no longer needed to know where the bathroom was every time we went somewhere! Sure enough, the results came back positive so I have been gluten free since August 3rd, 2009 and have not had a migraine for no reason since.

Now I’ll admit, it’s HARD giving up stuff like pizza, gravy for fries, and of course bread and pasta, but it is possible, and believe me, when you start to feel great again, it’s worth it. There are the occasional times that I’ll “cheat” or unknowingly get glutened, and believe me, I can tell – my main thing when I’m glutened is I look like I’m about 6 months pregnant within about an hour after eating it. Living gluten free is a life long thing now for me, so because I’m not a cook, I don’t have any great gluten free recipes to share with you, but I am learning, and perhaps one day I can! Right now I eat a LOT of salads, and I make sure to buy gluten free sauces for any meat I cook. I do have to say though, is thank GOODNESS wine is gluten free! =D

If you or someone you love has a lot of these symptoms – it’s worth getting tested. I’m 32 and only hope my intestines will repair themselves fairly quickly and that I haven’t been diagnosed too late. Keep in mind, just because you test negative for celiac disease, does NOT mean that you’re not gluten intolerant, which can be just as hard on your system, so a gluten free lifestyle may be a choice for you. If you want anymore information, please feel free to contact me on facebook at Sue Mason-Morton, or leave a comment here

April 13, 2010

Please support me in the Fight to End Cancer

Filed under: My Rambling Thoughts....=D — by Sue @ 9:02 am

As a lot of you know, I lost my mum to cancer (see story below), along with other family members and friends. 1 in 9 women are affected by this terrible disease and even you men can get it! If you haven’t had breast cancer yourself, chances are you know someone that is affected by it.

I’m trying to do my part in helping find a cure for this terrible disease, so am once again gearing up my feet to fundraise to help find a cure. I will be participating in the CIBC Run for the Cure in Brampton on Sunday October 3rd. Cancer is hard…Walking, is not and if they can do cancer… I can certainly do something to try to help raise $ to find a cure. But, I cannot achieve my goal without your generous support.

The Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation CIBC Run for the Cure is Canada’s largest single day, volunteer-led fundraising event dedicated to raising funds for breast cancer research, and education awareness programs.

Each year, thousands of Canadians of all ages and from all walks of life unite to participate in the Run. Their reasons for participating vary, but they all have the same goal; to create a future without breast cancer.

Every step, every walk and every dollar you donate brings us closer to a cure, so please, help me support this. Please click on the link below to see my personal page and to donate, thank you!

http://www.runforthecure.com/site/TR/RunfortheCure/Ontario?px=1283731&pg=personal&fr_id=1097

If anyone would like to join my team, please do, the more the merrier! There is a link to do so on my personal page.

Thank you,

Love Sue

My mum’s story
I lost my mum on June 10, 2007. She had breast cancer 16 years ago, when I was 15 years old and had a mastectomy. She went through chemo then went into remission. My family moved to Scotland in October 1998 (with me staying here) and she found out in November 1999 that she had leukemia. They say that the type of chemotherapy she was on at the time for the breast cancer caused the leukemia. She was in hospital for 6 months and finally went into remission for that. In November 2006 she found out she had myelodysplasia (pre-leukemia). The doctors told her that any “cold” she gets she has to treat aggressively because she basically had no immune system. The doctors couldn’t figure out since she already had leukemia, what did this mean? She was going to the hospital once a month to get a pint of blood transfused into her. I went to Scotland May 26th for a week to visit them and she had a bit of a cough. She went to the doctors on Monday the 28th and they gave her antibiotics, saying if the fever she had got any worse, to go to the hospital. She went to the hospital on May 30th and was told she’d be in for a couple of days to get iv antibiotics. I flew back home on the Sunday, with her still being in the hospital. I got a call on the Wednesday that she’d taken a turn for the worse and there was nothing more they could do except keep her comfortable. My sister told her that I was flying back out. The doctors told my family on the Thursday morning it was only a matter of hours as she’d slipped into a coma. I flew out on the Friday night (it was the quickest flight I could get) and I got there Saturday afternoon. She passed away Sunday June 10th @ 1:47am with me there holding her hand. the doctors believe the only reason she fought was cause she knew I was coming and I would want to say goodbye.

March 2, 2010

Frustration

Filed under: My Rambling Thoughts....=D — by Sue @ 11:47 am

So I got a copy of my blood work from last week that my family doctor ordered – my b12 has gone from 75 up to 127 and my ferritin’s gone from 18 to 28 – this is all since May – I em’d it to my GI doc as he didnt’ have the hard copy at my visit last week and he said it’s still way to low.

My CK is quite elevated and platelets have dropped since last set of bld work – but he said not to worry about that for now – sure, easier said than done lol

I googled CK as I wasn’t sure what it was other than it stands for creatnine/kinase – I got this: CK Clinically is assayed in bld tests as marker of heart attack,severe muscle breakdown,muscular dystrophy,& acute renal failure ….so yeah, that doesn’t make me feel much better but it would make sense of muscle break down since I hurt all over, and the question of fibromyalgia might be raised he said in the future….. so as long as he said not to worry about it for now, I guess I won’t!

But seriously, talk about frustrating! I don’t go for my colo until May 6th, then f/u with the GI doc won’t be until end of May/beginning of June – so I have to go through another few months of feeling like this? I don’t know who to feel worse for, me or for all my friends that have to hear about it!

I’m so glad I’ve found people that do understand though and can appreciate the fact that you sometimes just need to vent…..or throw a frustrated temper tantrum! =D

February 23, 2010

Time Flies

Filed under: My Rambling Thoughts....=D — by Sue @ 10:25 am

It’s funny how we all say that time goes by so quickly, yet at the same time, it feels like yesterday again when you’re hit with a memory of some sort, either good or bad.
It’s been over 18 month since I lost my baby, and I reflect today, as it should have been her first birthday. Although a year has passed, I remember how devastated I was last year at this time. How unfair I thought the world had been to me, and was angry at myself for letting everything happen. I hated not only myself but hated seeing pregnant people and newborns everywhere….particularly not easy for me to avoid seeing as I work in a Children’s Hospital!!!
Fast forward 12 months – for the most part, I’m sane again, I don’t tend to go “off into my own little black hole” anymore but I have my moments, when it comes up to the date she went to heaven, and on days like today. I think that will always be natural, to wonder what she would have looked like – whether she had my small nose, or my hubby’s eyes…..what her personality would have been like, stubborn like, well like both her parents, or quiet and shy, or will tend to be the type who would speak her mind….maybe a little bit of both.
I still believe everything happens for a reason and although it was my dream to have that baby, I see now and know (even though the heart sometimes wants to tell you differently) that it just simply wasn’t her time to enter into this world yet….that she has more important things to do, and that’s to be the grandchild to my mum and that they’re taking care of each other.
I hope that one day, if I am blessed enough to have a baby, that I will be able to be as good a mother to that child as my mum was to me growing up. That I have the patience when they’re running around my feet and I’m trying to get the dishes done, or that there’s always too many toys to clean up, because that means that they’re alive and enjoying life to the fullest, as that’s the way it should be.
Life certainly isn’t a guarantee, we never know if we have tomorrow. And I’m not being a pessimist when I say that, but we truly don’t know. Everyone should live every minute to the fullest…. We worry too much in this world about not having enough money, whether we’re too fat or too thin, what others think of us, when what we should be worrying about is enjoying the time that you have with your loved ones.
Never let a day go by without saying I love you to that special someone in your life, for you never know when it might be the last time you get to say it, and you never want to go through your life with regrets. There are always things you’re going to wish for that had been done differently, always – but they’re done, and it’s in the past, and whatever situation arose out of your choice or decision at the time is the path your life is being led on now….and that’s the one you’re meant to be on in this moment in time……

xo

December 12, 2009

What’s been going on…..

Filed under: My Rambling Thoughts....=D — by Sue @ 2:23 am

So Christmas is coming up soon…..the time of year I HATE…..call me Scrooge, call me whatever, I just really hate this time of year……

It’s sad really because I used to love Christmas….wouldn’t matter how cold or miserable it got, being with my family was always fun….our “tradition” was to stay up until midnight just watching movies or whatever and then at midnight, bring the presents down….now when I was younger, I obviously went to bed and got woken up shortly after midnight, shortly after “Santa” had left……even long after I stopped believing in Santa, I carried on the tradition because some things you just don’t want to change……then we’d open presents, laugh, giggle, eat an early breakfast, and of course us being Scottish, drink lots of tea……then we’d go to bed around 5am, have a lazy morning and then go out for dinner at night…..we were the only family members in Canada, the rest of our family is in Scotland, so it was so nice just spending the time together…….
Then my family moved in 1998 back home to Scotland…..so things had to change….no more family traditions…..but “whatever”….i’m adaptable! or at least so I thought…….

I met my hubby that year and him and his family have kept me entertained ever since, and I do love getting together at xmas, but it’s just not the same…….I haven’t spent xmas with my family in over 10 years and I truly do miss the “traditional” Mason family Xmas…..

How do I get over this? Well I”m grateful I have a Xmas to look forward to…many of us don’t….but I still get what I guess is seasonal depression – which is better than what I was a couple of years ago……….

OK so this is quite a bit of rambling but figured I hadn’t written in awhile so thought it was owed……my typical feelings for the holidays are BAH HUMBUG but to those of you that do enjoy it, I hope you have a great one…….xo Sue

October 8, 2009

Can a pet help with depression?

Filed under: My Rambling Thoughts....=D — by Sue @ 1:08 pm

Callie

When I was growing up my family had a dog, and I remember there was nothing quite like coming home after a bad day at school and being greeted by this shepherd/lab jumping up on you kissing you to death and giving you unconditional love. As I grew older and didn’t have a dog once I moved out on my own, I attributed my thoughts that there’s nothing like a pet to make you feel better to the fact that I was just a kid, what did I know?

Well…..fast forward at least 15 years……I was suffering through depression when I decided to go visit my family in Scotland in 2007. When I got back, as some of you know, my mum took ill and I had to fly back immediatly but she passed away. My depression at that point took a downward spiral, I didn’t think anything was going to lift me out of it. Well a year to the week of my mum’s death I finally got my wish, I got pregnant! I thought it was my mum’s final gift to me……

Sadly, that wasn’t the case as I lost the baby at 4 months in September 08. Again, here came the downward spiral. I knew there was absolutely nothing that would bring me back up out of it – and as I know everything (grin), I was just convinced it couldn’t happen.

Well I was proven wrong.

Friends of ours had 2 dogs and they had a litter. My hubby thought it would be nice to get one. I thought sure, why not, but it’s not going to cheer me up. Well I was wrong. We started seeing Callie from 3 days of age and when we finally took her home at 8 weeks old, not only were my spirits considerably higher, she was the light of my life. She has brought joy back into my life again. I know a lot of you are probably thinking, “whatever”, but believe me, if you haven’t had a pet, you can’t imagine the happiness they can share. If I’m having a bad day at work, or a depressing day, a quick cuddle with Callie and she makes me feel better…..it’s no wonder why they have pets in some hospitals for patients – they lift your spirits when you’re at your lowest.

And I now look back on my pregnancy loss as a blessing in disguise (and believe me, it took a long time to come to this conclusion), but if it hadn’t have been for the loss, then my body wouldn’t have gone nuts and made me extremely sick. I went to the doctor for it and got told I have celiac disease…..I’m now completely gluten free (for the most part as I am still learning), feel a whole lot better and am hoping that one day my body will be healthy enough to handle a baby. Until that time, I have my little ball of fur to make me happy – and believe me, she’s quite the handful……..xo

May 21, 2009

Just one of those days – urgh

Filed under: My Rambling Thoughts....=D — by Sue @ 5:49 pm
My baby

My baby

May 21, 2009 – Wow, to think that I should have a 2 1/2 month old little baby by now…..where on earth does the time go? There are days I think that I’m past it, there are days that I think positively towards the future, I’m writing poetry again (got 4 poems published that I wrote after losing my baby – to think, my rawest deepest emotions are worth reading about), I’ve created the From Grieving to healing & positivy fanpage, I’m blogging (www.suemorton.wordpress.com) and I’ve even been interviewed by the Wall Street Journal on how I’ve dealt with grieving, so I’ve done a lot of positive things for positive reasons but then there are days that just put you back to as if it were the day that it happened….most of those days are for obvious reasons (anniversairies of some sort) and then there are the days like today that you just think WHOA! It hurts, it hurts a lot and those are the days I don’t know what to do, how to go on…..the only thing that gets me through is knowing that it’ll pass, it’s just “one of those days” – I just wish they weren’t so damn emotional. So to all of you who acutally read my blurbs, how do YOU go on? I’m giving advice to people all the time, but there are some days I just need some advice for me?!?!?!

May 12, 2009

Looking back

Filed under: My Rambling Thoughts....=D — by Sue @ 1:38 pm

As Mother’s Day has come to pass – again another trying year. 2nd year without my mum and what should have been the first of many mother’s day with my new little baby, I’m remembering her too now and what should have been. My little angel should have been 2 1/2 months old now. But instead she’s been an angel for 8 months. I know my mum and baby celebrated together and are just one of the few hundreds of angels that were looking down on us on Sunday – and always are.

I’ve never been a religious person but have always believed there’s “something” out there that watches over us when we need it the most and I believe that is how we somehow manage to get the courage to get back up when we’ve felt like we’ve been knocked down again and SOMEHOW find the strength to carry on.

April 22, 2009

Life goes on…whether we want it to or not

Filed under: My Rambling Thoughts....=D — by Sue @ 12:59 pm

I originally wrote this note on facebook in my discussion board in my group “coping with the death of a loved on” titling it “Life does go on”…..I wrote the main paragraph but then someone proceeded to post a message after mine saying “life doesn’t always go on” so I changed it and added the last paragraph – we may not always get the life we’ve planned but that’s why there’s the saying “LIfe ain’t always beautiful but it’s a beautiful ride” because we have to make the life we have as enjoyable as we can – we only get once chance at this thing called LIFE!

My dad started going to a grief place called Maggie’s Centre (in Scotland) after my mum passed away (June 2007). It’s a place where people who have cancer can go, family members for advice, or in my dad’s case, for bereavement councelling after my mum passed. Since I live in Canada, it was hard for me to go through the grief process with him. He hated going home to an empty house after having been married to my mum for over 30 years. He met a “lady friend” there – Joyce……she lost her husband in 2006 and was still having difficulty coping. Maggie’s Centre often hosts “outtings” where the group of people from there would go out on day trips, well my dad and Joyce hit it off and he finally called me, it was about a year after my mum passed to say he’d met a “friend” but he felt so guilty because he thought he was doing something wrong towards my mum. I told him that we never know what tomorrow brings – he’s not getting any younger after all (he’s currently 70). My mum was 13 years younger than him so she was only 55 when she passed away (2 months short of her 56th bday). So whatever chance at happiness he had, he should grab it….but to take it slowly because I didn’t want him “latching on” to the first person he met. It’s now quite a few months later and he called me at New Years to say things were getting more serious between them and he could see marriage in their future. I cried of course, so did he, because he said nobody could ever replace my mum but he hated the lonliness. I’ve spoken to her a couple times over the holidays – she seems very nice and the thing I appreciated the most was they sent me a few pictures back in November, so I could see what she looks like. She wrote me a letter – saying she’ll always take care of my dad and that they are just 2 lonely soles who have found sunshine again after a lot of rain. That meant a lot to me that she took the time to write to me. I miss my mum like crazy, and so does my dad but life does unfortuantley have to go on, not always the way we plan, but it does go on. So I wish them nothing but the best. They’re coming out for a visit to Canada in October to see me, so it’ll be nice to meet her.

A lot of people would probably disagree with me on this – but we have to go on – we can’t let grief consume our lives – we can’t let it push our loved ones away without trying to move on – the people we lose will always be with us but we have to live life. We don’t always want it to go on – I didn’t after I lost my mum, and I CERTAINLY didn’t want to go on after losing my baby – but I did – I found out the hard way you do have to try to get on with your life. What I have found out is this – what doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger.

April 21, 2009

LETTING GO

Filed under: My Rambling Thoughts....=D — by Sue @ 12:49 pm

LETTING GO

After writing a very personal letter to myself and my baby last night, I wrote this poem and I am hoping it’s the one resolution I can stick to. Just because a person lets go of something, doesn’t mean they forget – but there comes a time in life when we just have to do that – let go. I can’t keep dwelling on the past – the past is what it is. I’m putting it behind me and moving on. My favorite saying is after all, LIVE-LOVE-LAUGH and I haven’t been doing that for quite a while – at least not to the full extent I should! So I’m going to LIVE more and dwell less, LOVE more and not resent and LAUGH more instead of cry. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but I’m writing this here because I”m giving my full permission for anyone to throw it back in my face if I am down one day lol. What made me come to this realization? I don’t know – it was something I wanted to do as my New Years resolution, then when that came and passed, I thought perhaps it’d be easier after my due date – but for some reason it just came to me last night – perhaps it was the bottle of wine and my thoughts combined lol – who knows, all I know is when I woke up in the morning, I still felt the same way – it’s just time. I’m so proud of me 😀

Please forgive me my angel
for I’ll never forget you.
Just the thought of that
makes me feel blue.

But I’m chosing to let you go
I hope that you can see
that if I don’t
I’ll forever lose ME!

Cause honey I see myself
losing my mind
and everyone sees it
and they’re not being unkind.

So everyone as my witness
I’M LETTING GO!
I know now if I do that,
my strength will surely grow!

March 9, 2009

My thoughts, my answers

Filed under: My Rambling Thoughts....=D — by Sue @ 12:43 pm

I wrote this October 15, 2008 in my notes section on Facebook – so many people were asking me or asking others about me, I thought I’d share how I really was. Sometimes it helps to write out how you’re feeling, cause you can’t always tell people face to face, or at least vocally how you’re feeling. I know I always feel better when I write things out……it helps.

OK, so everyone keeps asking how I’m doing and I love you all for it. Here are my honest thoughts: I don’t know what to say to people half the time. It’s like I want to talk about it but I don’t cause it hurts, but I don’t want a person not asking me in case I feel like talking about it but I don’t want a person feeling like they have to walk on egg shells around me, does that make sense?

I have barely had a good day this last 5 weeks, but there are some days that I feel better than others and then when I do I get upset because I think that I have no right to be feeling ok, then I get mad at myself because I know it’s not my fault for what happened, it’s like my mind’s a big circle of thoughts and I never know what to do with them. So if I seem upset, I am, but don’t shy away, if I don’t mention it, then perhaps I’m having one of those better days than others, OR I’m just upset enough again I don’t want anyone to know what I’m feeling. I’m not trying to shut anybody out, all of my friends and family – you guys are great and I love you all, and I thank you for being patient with me while I get through this grief.

Did you know that the only things I have to remind me of my baby was my first and only ultrasound pics at 11 weeks and my first “belly” shot that I took, which I thought was going to be the first of many. People laughed at me because I was barely even showing but I could tell the difference in buttoning up my shorts – they were tight and I was actually ecstatic lol.

Anyways, it’s little things like that that I will hang on to. About 10 days before I lost the baby (it was the closing day of the Ex, so whatever day that was), I had bought a nice notebook there because I was going to start my “baby diary”. I was collecting things, like the ultrasound pic, my belly pic, a card that I’d gotten from one of my oldest and dearest friends, who had just had a baby of her own, that she hoped our kids would be as good friends as we were – (AND BRANDIE, I KNOW THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT FRIENDS), tags from the first couple of maternity items I’d bought (yeah I know, I’m a sentimental sap, anyone that knows me well enough knows this already). But I never got around to putting the info into the journal.

Well I did on Oct 8th – 4 weeks after I lost the baby – I put the blood test results confirming I was pregnant, everything I mentioned above, plus all the test results I’d had had up to that point as I was to have my first OBGYN appt Oct 9th so I had copies of everything to bring to them, needless to say they didn’t get them so I’m keeping them. It’s now my “getting through this” journal becuase I’ve been writing poems in it. I haven’t written poems since I was in highschool but for some reasons all these words are coming to me now, and I need SOMEWHERE to put them. My first poem, the one that I posted in the group I created “losing a baby” was written as I finished putting the last item into my journal.

Sorry guys, didn’t mean to “ramble” but there’s my “how am I” answer. I have good days, I have bad days. But life is a roller coaster – somedays up, somedays down but forever going.

Take care,
Sue

March 5, 2009

Never take advantage of the time we have!

Filed under: My Rambling Thoughts....=D — by Sue @ 6:11 pm

I did it! I started this blog yesterday. I’ve even got a couple of responses so far, wow! It’s nice to know that there are people out there that want positivity too out of their grief. I couldn’t believe Jami’s message from “Mom’s Halo” website – She wants me to possibly be on her next podcast – how COOL is that? Can you imagine? The only problem with that though is I know I’d get all tongue tied and would have no idea what to say. I know that’s hard to believe from my writings but really – I have so much to say but I’m so much better at writing out my thoughts, not speaking them!

I’m writing this entry as I eat my lunch at work. I work in a hospital. Just as I sat down, someone required a code blue and it was pretty much right in front of me (code blue is called when someone requires CPR or assistance to that effect). They’re working on the elderly gentleman right now. I hope he’s ok. Can only imagine what his poor wife’s going through – I mean they’re here to visit someone, not get medical attention themselves! They just took him away by stretcher to the hospital across the street (I work in a Children’s hospital so no emergency room visits for him here!). He’s sitting up in the stretcher and talking to the ambulance attendant so that’s a good sign!

What a day it’s been for medical emergencies! This morning on my GO train ride in, we got stopped for a medical emergency. I’m not sure what it was for, but they had to call the ambulance. I’m sure it wasn’t anything too serious as they didn’t make an announcement asking if there were any medical people on board the train, but it ticked me off to hear passengers complaining. I mean, yes, we’re late for work, but we’re not being taken away by ambulance and going to the hospital like that unlucky person!

It makes you realize, or at least it does to me, that it’s a reminder you never know what a day will bring. I mean I’m sure neither of these people realize what there day would bring! Although we can’t dwell on the fact there one day there may not be a tomorrow for us, we must love and cherish what we have NOW and never take advantage of time, for it’s a lot shorter than we realize!

Sue

Can I really do this?

Filed under: My Rambling Thoughts....=D — by Sue @ 6:03 pm

This was a journal entry I’d created March 3rd – just my rambling thoughts….

Do I dare try this? All this writing I’ve been doing the past 20 months…do I actually try to make some sense of it?

When I started the group on facebook “Coping with the death of a loved one”, I never in a million years would have thought it would do as well as it did. I also never thought I’d be able to help people, like they said I’ve done, while at the same time, getting tremendous support to help me work through my own grief.

I submitted those poems and I couldn’t believe it when they actually got accepted. I mean who would have thought my deepest, depressed moods are good enough for reading by others?

I started reading all the stories I wrote when I was still in school and I got to thinking – should I rewrite them to actually see if I can submit them to actually see if I can get them published somewhere? Another thought I’ve had – trying to write a grief book. I figure if I’ve really helped all these people through one group on facebook, should I try to expand – or maybe see about creating an actual website……hmmmmmmm

March 4, 2009

Hello world!

Filed under: My Rambling Thoughts....=D — by Sue @ 3:37 pm

Hello everyone! This is my first try at blogging so be patient with me. I’m hoping through this I can help others with getting from the low point of grieving to the part where you can see that there is a “light at the end of the tunnel”. I’m just in the middle of setting this up so please, be patient with me while I figure it out. I created a group on Facebook after losing my mum in June 2007 (COPING WITH THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE) because I had never lost anyone before close to me and I didn’t know anyone personally that I could to to help me get through it. The group introduced me to some amazing people and not only did they help me through my journey through grief, but I’m touched that I helped others! So I’m “expanding” that onto here, to see if anyone outside of the facebook world would be interested in a site for coping with the death of a loved one.

So if anyone reading this is on facebook, check out the group, as everyone’s lost someone they care about, whether it be a parent, child, sibling, etc…..

Take care!

Sue

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